KENDRIVE

I AM HAVING A SHORT BREAK

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I was struck recently by these contrasting photographs of entertainment 'celebrities' in the public view - Jack Nicholson and Madonna.

I wonder whether you saw them?

Physically they are at opposite extremes.

Struggling: The Hollywood heavyweight tries to get comfortable as he sunbathes on board his luxury boat

Madonna: Wasting away

How can people allow themselves to get into that state - and be photographed too?

If I were like either of them I would hide away from everyone - and the mirror!

I suppose they can't escape the Paparazzi.

(Photos from Mail Online)

A couple of days ago we were looking at "Bad Art" in Minnesota and today I am moving on to another unusual museum - in New Delhi.

It is the Sulabh International Museum of Toilets, which was inaugurated by Mrs. Maneka Gandhi, Union Minister of India. I wonder whether she performed the opening ceremony sitting down?

This is what you may expect to see:

"The Museum has a rare collection of facts, pictures and objects detailing the historic evolution of toilets from 2,500 BC to date. It gives a chronology of developments relating to technology, toilet related social customs, toilet etiquettes, the sanitary conditions and legislative efforts of the times. It has an extensive display of privies, chamber pots, toilet furniture, bidets and water closets in use from 1145 AD to the modern times."

There is an extensive website, including photographs and a virtual tour at:

http://www.sulabhtoiletmuseum.org/index.html

To whet your appetite, here are two of the exhibits:

A THRONE FIT FOR A KING


A replica of the throne of King Louis XIII

King Louis XIII and Louis the XIV used to give audience while using the toilet. King Louis the XIII, actually had a commode under his throne, which prompted his court jester to remark that he found it a bit strange that while the king preferred to eat in privacy, he chose to ease himself public.

SITTING ON THE BOOKS INSTEAD OF READING THEM

When portable toilets came inside the house, they looked very odd. The French designed a toilet which looked like a pile of books.

Go to the website to see more.

Many of you know that I like presenting the minority view on many subjects, even though I might not agree. If nothing else, it often provokes a heated response.

Take a look at these two recent articles. I will let you know who they were written by at the end.

(1)

How would you cope if faced with a GCSE physics paper? Have no fear. You don’t need to know anything about physics, so long as you’ve listened to enough environmentalist propaganda. Consider a question from one of last year’s papers. Candidates were asked which of these phrases - “acid rain”, “global warming”, “noise pollution”, “radioactive waste” – went into these sentences: 1. “Nuclear power stations produce…” 2. “Wind farms produce…” 3. “Coal-fired power stations produce sulfur dioxide which causes…” 4. “All fossil-fuel power stations produce carbon dioxide which causes…” So long as you agree with the Government on these matters, you will pass with 100 per cent.

Doubtless one of the teaching aids which might have guided you to the right answers would have been Al Gore’s famous Oscar-winning movie An Inconvenient Truth, which in 2007 our then environment secretary, David Miliband, ordered to be sent to every secondary school in the country. It was obviously inconvenient that in October that year a High Court judge should have ruled that nine of the claims made in that film were so scientifically absurd that the Government would be in breach of the law against teaching propaganda in schools unless the film was accompanied by material correcting its errors.

Does one not get the feeling that all this propaganda over the terrifying threat of global warming is beginning ever so slightly to turn people’s minds? Caroline Lucas MEP, the leader of the Green Party, last week agreed on television that flying to Spain was “as bad as knifing a person in the street”, because air travel like this is causing people to die “from climate change”.

Dr Richard Dixon, director of the Scottish WWF, was at the same time claiming that failing to ensure one’s home is “energy efficient” was a “moral crime”, as “anti-social as drink driving”, and “we should be having a discussion as to whether it should become an actual crime”.

This echoed the recent observation of Ed Miliband, our Energy and Climate Change Secretary, that opposing wind farms should be as “socially unacceptable” as not wearing a seatbelt.

Meanwhile, no doubt encouraged by this kind of talk from ministers, 100 “climate campaigners” were arrested by the police, who feared they were planning to put out of action a coal-fired power station in Nottinghamshire, to stop it continuously contributing to the National Grid 1,000 megawatts of electricity – considerably more than the average output of all the 2,400 wind turbines in the country.

This is the same grid, of course, 75 per cent powered by nasty, dirty, CO2 emitting fossil fuels, which Gordon Brown hopes will secretly power the electric cars he proposes to give customers £5,000 each to buy in order to help save the planet – even though his grants won’t be available until 2012.

Truly these days, in more ways than one, are we moving towards a new dark age. Fortunately, however, the latest available data show the downward trend in global temperatures continuing, At least the one thing we don’t need to worry about, it seems, is global warming.

(2)

It was delightfully appropriate that, as large parts of Argentina were swept by severe blizzards last week, on a scale never experienced before, the city of Nashville, Tennessee, should have enjoyed the coolest July 21 in its history, breaking a record established in 1877. Appropriate, because Nashville is the home of Al Gore, the man who for 20 years has been predicting that we should all by now be in the grip of runaway global warming.

His predictions have proved so wildly wrong – along with those of the Met Office's £33 million computer model which forecast that we should now be enjoying a "barbecue summer" and that 2009 would be one of "the five warmest years ever" – that the propaganda machine has had to work overtime to maintain what is threatening to become the most expensive fiction in history.

The two official sources of satellite data on global temperatures, for instance, lately announced that June temperatures had again fallen, to their average level for the month over the 30 years since satellite data began. By contrast, the Goddard Institute for Space Studies, run by Mr Gore's closest ally and scientific adviser, James Hansen – one of the two official sources of global temperature data from surface weather stations – announced that in that single month the world had warmed by a staggering 0.63 degrees C, more than its net warming for the entire 20th century.

In the past few years, Dr Hansen's temperature record has become ever more eccentric, often wildly at odds with the other three officially recognised data sources, all of which showed a dramatic drop in temperatures in 2007 leading to markedly cooler summers and two of the coldest and snowiest winters the world has known for decades.

All this has equally made nonsense of the predictions of the computer models that the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change relies on, which are programmed to assume that temperatures should soar in line with rising levels of greenhouse gases.

Carbon dioxide levels continue to rise, but temperatures – apart from those revealed by Dr Hansen – have seriously parted company with them. This has not prevented the propaganda machine's media groupies continuing to peddle a daily stream of stories about how in all directions global warming is already affecting the world for the worse.

Meanwhile even America's foremost pro-warmist scientific blog, RealClimate – run by, among others, Dr Michael Mann of "hockey stick" fame – concedes that global temperatures are not only declining but are likely to continue to do so for at least another decade – after which, of course, they will leap up again higher than ever.

We are already committed to paying out barely credible sums for our blind faith in global warming (quite apart from the £100 billion Gordon Brown wants us to spend on 10,000 more useless windmills, most of which he hasn't got a hope of seeing built).

A new study by an Australian analyst, Joanne Nova, based on official figures (available at the website of the Science and Public Policy Institute), shows that since 1991 US federal spending alone on climate change has been $79 billion. The cost of international carbon trading in 2008 was a staggering $126 billion, and is soon likely to run into trillions, making buying and selling the right to emit CO2 "the largest single commodity traded" in the world.

Yet for all that money (along with countless billions more spent in Britain and elsewhere), "no one is able to point to a single piece of evidence that man-made carbon dioxide has a significant effect on global climate".

Are we all missing something – apart from all that money, of course?

(Both are by Christopher Booker - writing in the Daily Telegraph)

I had intended finishing this series of 'bad art" yesterday, but I could not resist this final three.

Reef Garden
Mixed media on masonite by Hassmer
36" x 36"
Acquired by Scott Wilson from the Salvation Army Store

"Here we are, witnessing the staging of a subaqueous musical extravaganza. On a silent cue, one pulsating incubator bursts, hurtling an anxious and curiously aged little merman upwards to the unknown world above the surface. The dancer stares, hypnotizing the viewer. We find ourselves forced to stay -- feel the music or drown."

Circus of Despair
Oil on canvas by Unknown
18"x24"
Acquired by Scott Wilson from trash in Boston

"This joyous, frightful circus romp is emblematic of, and yet somehow transcends, Unknown's entire body of work."

May in the Mountains
Oil on board by Laevia Carson
Acquired by Scott Wilson from the Salvation Army Thrift Store

"This quick study of spring in the Alps captures a reflective fleeting moment at a scenic vista near an international border. The solid beauty of the apple blossoms of, perhaps, France in the foreground contrasts with dreams of Italian ice creams in the distant, suggested mountains."

I am sure you will agree that the witty commentaries by the curator of MOBA have added much to the enjoyment of these "different" paintings.

Mama and Babe
Acrylic on canvas by Sarah Irani, 1995
24"x30"
Donated by the artist

"The flesh tones bring to mind the top shelf liqueurs of a border bistro. With an astonishing emphasis on facial bone structure, the artist flirts with caricature and captures features of Mamma's face which remind us of a Presidential candidate. The upright marionettish pose of the babe hints that the early bond between mother and child is as formal as it is familiar. Good old fashioned parental respect is at the center of this celebration of color and contour."

Pauline Resting
Acrylic on canvas stretched over a window frame by Unknown
48"x21.5"

"The cares of the day slip away and the first flush of sleep brings color to Pauline's innocent cheek.

The reverse side of this painting is also interesting. The canvas has been stretched on a basement window frame. When viewed from the obverse, the canvas itself serves as a blind, shielding Pauline from prurient peepers."

Note: Garen Daly, the proprietor of the Dedham Community Theater and the home of MOBA's permanent gallery called MOBA's offices. A school group of 4th graders had been at the theater that afternoon to watch a film. Midway through the movie, a teacher began to suspect an epidemic of bladder problems had broken out among the boys in the group. The longer the movie went on, the more young boys disappeared on repeated visits to the men's room. Upon further investigation, it appears that the cause of their symptoms was not the diuretic affect of Pepsi, but the attraction of Pauline Resting in the basement gallery outside the men's room.

Love Is Being Out On a Limb Together
Oil on board by Unknown
21" x 24.5"

"Japanese in its simplicity. American in its text. This valentine in blue hangs in MOBA as a tribute to the poster poems of the seventies."

( From: http://www.museumofbadart.org )

I am continuing with "Bad Art" for two more days and here are three more works to astonish and delight you!

"Eileen"

Acrylic on canvas by R. Angelo Le
18"x24"

"Remarkable in its simplicity, this passionate portrait of a girl with green eyes appeals to every emotion. Which passion was uppermost in the painter's heart? Knife stroke follows brush stroke. The hint of a second signature in the top right corner suggests a struggle. An infinitely interesting and sometimes disturbing neo-primitive portrait.

"In the Cat's Mouth"

Acrylic on canvas, probably by Pangorda
24"x22"

"A comment on issues of power as experienced by those who dwell with feline pets. Is the artist consumed with or consumed by his love for this cat? Does he identify with the personality of the startling animal? Does the similarity between these inseparable cohabitants stop short at the nose? Or is he simply trying to observe a tree-lined avenue through a cat's eyes?"

"Inspiration"

Pastels and acrylic on canvas by Unknown
24" x 30"

"The organ master stares, transfixed by twin mysterious visions; the Neanderthal saint in the setting sun and the Gothic monk proceeding out from the cathedral's sanctum -- each framed by a halo of organ pipes, reminiscent of #2 pencils."

Here is a further selection of exhibits from The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA) - the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms..

I particularly like the tongue-in-cheek commentaries that accompany each painting.

"Think Again"
Acrylic on canvas by Unknown

This disturbing work "makes an offer you can't refuse". The chilling, matter-of-fact manner in which the subject presents the severed head to us is a poignant reminder of just how numb we have become. The understated violence implicit in the scene speaks volumes on our own desensitization, our society's reflexive use of force, and the artist's inability to deal with the hindquarters of the animal.

"Mama and Babe"
Acrylic on canvas by Sarah Irani, 1995
24"x30"
Donated by the artist

The flesh tones bring to mind the top shelf liqueurs of a border bistro. With an astonishing emphasis on facial bone structure, the artist flirts with caricature and captures features of Mamma's face which remind us of a Presidential candidate. The upright marionettish pose of the babe hints that the early bond between mother and child is as formal as it is familiar. Good old fashioned parental respect is at the center of this celebration of color and contour.

"Jerez the Clown"
Acrylic on canvas by Higgins
Acquired from Todd Farm Flea Market by Scott Wilson

A perfect depiction of pure evil in the guise of childhood's friend. This blending of big top themes with a piercing study of the dark side of human nature, elevates the well worn clown genre to a new and exhilarating level.

One of my other blogs (http://picturepost.blog.co.uk/) is dedicated to art and it features work from some of the best painters in the world.

However, I was interested to find that there is a "Museum of Bad Art" (MOBA), with two branches in Massachusetts USA, exhibiting paintings of lesser quality.

Here are some items from the 'Portraiture' collection:

"Lucy In the Field With Flowers"

Oil on canvas by Unknown
24" x 30"

"This single painting planted the seed that grew into MOBA.
The motion, the chair, the sway of her breast, the subtle hues of the sky, the expression on her face -- every detail combines to create this transcendent and compelling portrait, every detail cries out "masterpiece."

"The Athlete"

Crayon and pencil on canvas by Unknown
30"x40"

"A startling work, and one of the largest crayon on canvas pieces that most people can ever hope to see. The bulging leg muscles, the black shoes, the white socks, the pink toga, all help to make this one of the most popular pieces in the MOBA collection."



"Head From Hell"

Acrylic on canvas by Tina Thomas
Created in Austin, Texas, ~1986-1990

"A blood curdling scream from the fires below. A lost soul cries out in agony, eyes upward, forever to be taunted by the reclining though erect Adonis just out of reach. This brilliant reworking of one of Art's oldest subjects -- recasting the cloven hoofed, behorned one into a youthful virile stud is a refreshingly original treatment of an age-old theme."

See many more at: http://www.museumofbadart.org/collection/

OH NO THERE'S NOT!

It's a very clever 3D effect painting. Read the story and see more pictures at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1201018/My-cars-jet--Or-turn-garage-door-work-art.html

Staff at Knowsley Safari Park demonstrate why visitors should not enter the baboon enclosure with roof boxes as the cheeky primates have learned to open them and run away with the goods.

Read more at:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1200917/Clever-baboons-cause-safari-park-chaos-learning-break-luggage-boxes.html#ixzz0LsTZspVK

It was made 73 years ago - and unlike modern gadgets it was built to last.

A television that was around for King George VI's 1937 Coronation and survived the Blitz has today been unveiled as Britain's oldest working set.

The black-and-white Marconiphone 702 dates back to 1936 and is still in its original condition.

It has a 12-inch screen and is estimated to have been manufactured around November 1936, the same month as the BBC television service from Alexandra Palace was first broadcast.

The set is likely to have screened landmark occasions including George VI's Coronation Procession, the 1948 London Olympic Games and the Queen's Coronation in 1953.

When new, it cost 60 Guineas - the equivalent of around £11,000 today.

The only addition is a conspicuous set-top box which has converted the set from analogue to digital, bringing the device firmly into the 21st century.

Jeffrey Borinsky, a consultant engineer from North London, entered a competition to find the country's oldest TV.

He has owned the set for ten years. He said: 'I still enjoy watching my Marconiphone occasionally, especially cartoons from the 1930s, which the original owner might also have seen on the set.

'And converting the set to digital means I can continue to watch it for many years to come.'

Iain Logie Baird, television curator at the National Media Museum in Bradford and grandson of the inventor of TV, John Logie Baird, set up the competition.

He said: 'A small fraction of pre-War tellies still exist - many fell into disrepair or were simply thrown out when a newer set arrived, and we know about 3,000 were lost in the London bombings.'

The set will join a display of televisions from across the ages at the National Media Museum.

(Daily Mail)

The BBC Television Service was only six months old when it undertook its first outside broadcast - the Coronation of King George VI.

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8tbUyeE2Kk

I remember seeing one of these working when I was very young.

How old is your TV?

CHANCES OF WINNING ON THE PREMIUM BONDS PLUMMET

In 1992, people with £500 in bonds had a one in 23 chance of winning the lowest, meaning they would receive a payout once every two years on average.

However, this has now fallen to one in 73, equating to one win every six years.

A leading financial adviser said Premiums Bonds could no longer be recommended unless the investor was in the higher rate of tax and wanted a temporary home for a large sum of money.

He described them as "almost a bit of fun", rather than a serious investment.

Earlier this year, the chances of winning the £1 million jackpot were halved when one of the two top prizes was withdrawn, while the minimum prize was cut from £50 to £25.

This decision was taken because falling interest rates have cut the total prize fund dramatically: in January 2007 it was £114 million, but this month's figure will be just £33.8 million.

About 23 million people – equivalent to 38 per cent of the UK population – have Premium Bonds, which do not pay interest but give the chance of winning in a monthly prize draw.

Unlike the National Lottery, the money spent on Premium Bonds can be reclaimed, with bondholders losing out only because of inflation and the absence of interest they might have earned had they invested their money elsewhere.

This month a total of 1,127,000 prizes were paid out with 1,084,000 or 96 per cent of those being the lowest sum of £25.

A spokesman for National Savings & Investments, a government executive agency which runs Premium Bonds, said: "Is it still worth investing in Premium Bonds? Absolutely."

He said the decisions to cut one of the million pound prizes and reduce the minimum payout had been taken to help keep the number of payouts reasonably high.

"We still pay out a million tax-free prizes and the prize fund rate of one per cent [of the total sum paid in] is double the Bank of England's interest rate," the spokesman said.

"We have people investing for different reasons: some people are investing larger amounts because they use Premium Bonds as part of a wider portfolio of investments and others buy small amounts because they like the idea of winning the jackpot.

"Some people just like that letter dropping on the doormat."

(From the Daily Telegraph)

There were an estimated 55,000 new cases of swine flu in the UK last week, it has been announced. Total deaths stand at 29.

On Thursday the government warned that up to 65,000 people in this country could die if the pandemic achieves its worst possible potential.

The UK is the only country in Europe with confirmed cases running to five figures. But why? "That's the million-dollar question," said a European Commission health official engaged in monitoring the crisis and European responses.

Experts and public health officials say it is too early to conclude whether there are ethnic or genetic factors at play, and point to travel habits as a possible cause of the British leadership of the European swine flu league table.

Apart from Spain, whose close links with Mexico and Latin America may explain its four fatal cases of swine flu, there have been no more confirmed deaths from the disease in continental Europe. But 29 have died in Britain.

The confirmed cases in Europe range from 10,649 in Britain to five in Lithuania, according to the ECDC. Britain's nearest rival, Spain, has 1,222 confirmed cases.

Ministers have secured up to 90 million doses of the vaccine, which is expected to arrive in Britain in the next few weeks, and the rest of the population is likely to be offered vaccinations next year.

Survival tips:

http://timesonline.typepad.com/timesarchive/2009/04/15-ways-to-survive-a-flu-epidemic.html

An NHS trust has issued leaflets telling pensioners it is "never too late to experiment" with their sex life and to consider using Viagra and dating agencies.

The pamphlet also gives over-60s in Medway, Kent, the address and phone number of their local sexual health clinic in case they pick up a sexually transmitted disease.

The racy instruction manual, called Ageing Well In Medway, says: "There are many reasons why sex is good for you. In women it can increase blood oestrogen levels, helping to protect against coronary heart disease and osteoporosis, and helps keep the pelvic muscles toned reducing the risk of incontinence.

"In men sex releases hormones which help strengthen bones and muscles, protect against heart disease and may relieve congestion in the prostrate gland.

"For both sexes it is a great stress reliever, induces sleep and is fun."

A total of 2,000 copies of the leaflet are being distributed to libraries, GP surgeries and health centres in Medway.

However, some of the target readership were not impressed by the £13,700 cost of producing the leafelt and said the money could have been better used.

Pensioner Ivy Thomas, 79, a widow from Gillingham, said: "In my day we never spoke of these things and there's no way I'm going to start now.

"If other people want to read it, that's up to them but money doesn't grow on trees nowadays. I think its a waste."

Retired mechanic Bob Ainsley, 71, of Strood, added: "I think this is pretty patronising to be honest. We don't need a leaflet to tell us we can still have sex."

Susie Squire, of campaign group the Taxpayers' Alliance, said: "This is an obscene waste of money. This money could be used on operations."

But Barbara Mead, a local NHS project manager, said: "We are delighted at the interest the booklet has already generated with the older population of Medway and are sure it will be of use."

(Nick Allen in the Daily Telegraph)

ETIQUETTE FOR TRAVELLERS ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND

Britain is a place revered for the high regard its people place on etiquette, and indeed, the preservation of reserve even in the most stressful of situations.

The London Underground is just one such place which accommodates this idiosyncrasy, with its own set of behavioural rules for the troglodytes who choose to utilise it as their main form of transport to get to and from their place of work.

It is, in short, still the best way to get around the labyrinthine streets of London Town, and a visitor may be confused about how one is to behave correctly without sounds of contempt emanating from fellow travellers.

So here is a guide on how one is to behave when entering the subterranean world of the London Underground.

Asking for Directions

Make sure that they are not questions which you can answer easily yourself: for instance, direction of travel. Looking at the London Underground map, if you have to go westbound, then the direction of travel is going to the left of the Tube schematic. If you have to go eastbound, then you go right. Northbound equals up, southbound - well, you work it out.

There is one major exception to this simple directional tool, and that is the Circle Line - where being a circle, there is no real direction at all. Confusingly, it has westbound and eastbound direction, as opposed to the more logical clockwise and anticlockwise direction.

Walking to the Platform

Assume a brisk pace, with determination and vigour. This again, will not lead to hold-ups behind you. If you must stop, then first take a glance behind you to assess the flow of walkers, and gently ease your way toward the side, and stop in a gentle and controlled fashion. Stopping suddenly can lead to injury; either by a fellow traveller bumping into you because they have not anticipated your sudden drop in speed as they walk, or by some very hot coffee from a fellow traveller, also walking just as fast and not anticipating your sudden drop in speed...

Escalators

You know you've been in London for too long when you automatically stand to the right on an escalator.
- Anonymous

If you are going to walk up an escalator, do so at a similar brisk pace, on the left-hand side of the escalator. If you choose to stand, make sure that you always stand to the right-hand side, and try to take up as little space as possible, without touching anyone. Do not in any circumstances obstruct the left-hand side with clumsy posture, bags, suitcases, children or loved ones.

Use the correct escalator for the direction of travel. In other words, if you wish to ascend, use the up escalator. If you wish to descend, use the down escalator1.

General Rules

Understandably, people do not wish to travel too far, so there is a tendency for passengers to build up just in and around the entrances to the platforms. To prevent this from occurring, utilise your walking skills and use the entire length of the platform - again, with the brisk pace as described before.

No flash photography.

A friend of mine snapped a shot of an incoming train, only to hear an announcement requesting that pathetic tourists refrain from popping flashbulbs in the eyes of the conductor while he's attempting to stop a train. Well, without the 'pathetic'. But whoever sits there spying on the platforms is quick on the uptake. There's nothing like that in NY.

For Overground Platforms

I apologise for the jerky stop, but someone opened their umbrella in front of the train... once again, I apologise...
- Eastbound Piccadilly Line driver, arriving at Acton Town

To say that it is a bit wet in Britain is akin to saying that the Sahara is a bit warm at midday. Hence you may find yourself on a platform with an umbrella. When the train pulls in, do not try to close your umbrella in front of the train driver as it pulls in. Not only will the driver not appreciate your umbrella-closing skills, neither will any of the passengers on the train, as he will have had to make a very jerky and uncomfortable stop.

Smoking

Don't. London Underground staff can see you smoke, as the following announcement demonstrates:

London Underground would like to remind our customers that smoking is not permitted anywhere on the station. And that includes you... yes you, the smug git in the red jacket at the end of the platform...
- A non-recorded announcement on the Eastbound platform of the District Line at South Kensington

Eye Contact

If God had wanted us to make eye contact on the Tube, then why did he give us the Evening Standard?
- A writer for the Evening Standard3.

Unless you have a significant other to make eye contact with, or indeed, relatives and suchlike, eye contact is a London Underground etiquette no-no. On no account does a person make eye contact with another passenger on the Underground, in any circumstance, even accidentally.

Physical Contact

Off-Peak Period - As for eye contact, unless you have a genuine reason for touching someone, refrain from doing so. When choosing seats, don't sit right next to the only person on the carriage. Instead, sit at the other end and surround yourself with the tranquillity of emptiness.

Peak Period - If you have a seat, and find that someone requires it more than yourself - ie, they have lots of baggage, the elderly, pregnant women, young children or anyone who appears to have had an unfortunate day4, then give up your seat to them. This is instant kudos, not only to the person to whom you gave up your seat, but also to yourself.

If you wish to sit with your legs open, ensure that your legs form an angle between them of no greater than 10°.

Stand well clear of the doors so that the train can depart. If you don't, this will incite loud sounds of contempt from the driver and other London Underground staff, such as:

Look, if you don't stand clear, none of us are going home!
- Piccadilly Line driver, afternoon rush-hour

To the man in the grey coat: what part of 'Stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?
- London Underground staff, South Kensington station, Piccadilly Line Westbound platform at morning rush-hour

Verbal Contact

Unless it is to ask the way, to ask for a newspaper which someone has read, to say 'excuse me!' to get to the Tube doors, or the persons with whom you wish to converse fall into the categories outlined in the past two sections, under no circumstances are you to engage in conversation with anyone on the Tube.

Facial Expression

None, save for looking sullen, downcast, and generally depressed. Smiling should not occur, as it is generally seen that there is no valid reason for any positive emotion to be expressed while using this means of public transport. If any emotion is to be expressed, then it is usually in response to an announcement along the lines of:

I'm sorry for the delay, but we're being kept here for a couple more minutes to let the Rayners Lane train go first - why they couldn't have let us go first as we got here before them, I don't know... but anyway, sorry for the delay...
- Eastbound Heathrow branch Piccadilly Line driver, on approach to Acton Town, morning rush-hour

Even in response to an announcement like that, one should not exclaim vocally. To make known your disquiet, affect a slight grimace, wrinkling your brow very slightly, roll your eyes, or sigh very gently.

Falling Asleep

Acceptable, as long as you do not snore, flop over on a fellow passenger's lap, or take up more than one seat. As no one speaks on the Tube, make sure you keep your ears peeled for your stop, for no one will tell you that the train has terminated.

Generic Advice

If the Train is Full - let people off the train first and move right down inside the carriage and, as they say, use all available doors. This will enable more passengers to get on, hence facilitating everyone's journey.

If the Train is Ridiculously Full - wait for the next train to arrive - don't add to the crush; these are people, not sardines. The next train should only be a few minutes.

If You Need the Toilet When on the Tube Train - cross your legs and hope for the best. Do not complain, do not show it; just bite your tongue and bear it. Toilets at Tube stations are few and far between; most of them are on the new section of the Jubilee Line.

If Someone Obviously Needs Help - such as with a multitude of heavy bags down several unforgiving flights of stairs, or indeed a particularly stubborn bottle-cap, then help them with their burden, don't stare at them as they struggle.

You Have Waited for over 30 Minutes - you have in all probability, accidentally walked into a Circle Line station.

There are three options: Take a cab, Take the day off/give up getting to your destination, Walk.

(Abridged from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A688232 )

Last week Channel 4 TV screened "Life Class" - three programmes about nude modelling. Unfortunately, I missed it.

It predictably gave rise to dozens of complaints.

One viewer, who watched the programme while ill in bed, croaked: "It nearly gave me a relapse. It was adult viewing, not for screening in the middle of the day."

John Beyer, of the TV pressure group Mediawatch UK, said he had referred the matter to Ofcom after being contacted by scandalised parents. "Obviously, people feel this is not suitable for daytime TV when they have children at home," he opined. "It's a pity Channel 4 cannot revive its Watercolour Challenge show."

Jemima Lewis commented in the Daily Telegraph:

"Going naked in front of your offspring is one of the duties of parenthood. Studies show – and common sense suggests – that children from households where nudity is commonplace grow up to feel more comfortable in their own skin.

Life classes, like naked parents, are a no-strings-attached opportunity to see what other people are really made of."

Did you see your parents naked? And would you parade around nude in front of your children?

A hairdresser who had a mohican hairstyle to raise money in honour of a friend's dead grandson has been banned from upmarket department store Harrods.

Security guards at the store, owned by Mohamed Al Fayed, told Lisa Mansour she would not be allowed in because her haircut was 'offensive'.

The 40-year-old had the distinctive style cut in memory of the eight-year old grandson of a neighbour, who died of a brain tumour.

But Harrods staff said it was no excuse and turned her away as staff said her cut did not fit in with the store's dress code.

'I've been to Harrods loads of times before and I know they're funny about large bags, so I asked the security guard if it was okay to bring my rucksack in,' Ms Mansour said.

'He said, "Your bag can come in, but you can't - your hair's offensive."'
'He said it was because it was more than two inches high. I told them I'd had it done for charity, but they just kept telling me it was offensive.'

The hairstylist from Didsbury, Manchester said everyone was staring and that the incident had mad her quite upset.

'I bet they didn't ban David Beckham when he had a mohican,' she said.

Ms Mansour raised £1,300 for the Brain Tumour UK charity when she had her hair cut and shaved into a mohican in May.

(From the Daily Mail)

GURKHAS FACE AXE AFTER JOANNA LUMLE WIN MAKES THEM TO EXPENSIVE

Up to 800 Gurkha troops could be axed from the Army as part of a series of savage defence cuts.

An entire battalion of the Nepalese troops is expected to go.

The cut would be part of a wider slashing of the £34billion defence budget, which has risen steadily since the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

The dramatic improvements in Gurkha pay and pension rights in the past two years mean it is too expensive to maintain two infantry battalions.

The regiment only survived cuts five years ago because their poor pay and pensions made them good value for money. But senior officers say that new rulings giving them better pensions mean they are vulnerable in a wide-ranging defence review.

In the High Court earlier this year all Gurkhas won the right to be allowed to remain in Britain after serving - and their pay was brought up to the same level as the regular Army. The campaign led by actress Joanna Lumley had forced Gordon Brown into a humiliating U-turn.

But it left the Government with a huge bill for improving pensions for those settling in Britain. Last night a senior military source said: "If it comes to cutting infantry battalions, the Gurkhas are now No1 on the list.

"They were only saved from the axe in the last defence cuts because they were seen as being fantastic value for money. Although they are very well-recruited and very good soldiers, they are now no less expensive than any other unit.

(Daily Mirror)

N.B. The headline appears here as printed in the newspaper. Don't they have proofreaders at the Mirror?

PUPILS NEED LESSONS IN HOW TO SPEAK PROPERLY

Children should be taught to speak more formally in class to improve their written work, according to new research.

Teachers need to do more work to improve children's vocabulary and make it clear when the use of slang and colloquialisms are not acceptable, academics have found.

The study from Exeter University, which analysed pupils' writing, discovered that whilst more able writers composed sentences in standard English, weaker writers tended to replicate patterns found in speech.

Researchers concluded that the more opportunities children had in class for developing their speech and distinguishing between styles of language, the better their writing would become.

The study comes in the wake of growing recognition that the school curriculum has neglected the development of children's speech.

The Government's Rose Review, published in May, stressed the "central importance" of speaking and listening as part of literacy.

Critics claim that in some schools very young children are being taught to read and write before they can string a sentence together.

With older children, chief examiners have revealed a growing tendency for pupils to lapse into the vernacular in exams scripts, using slang and inappropriate expressions.

English literature A-level

"It's like, yea, Cleo is a player" – referring to Cleopatra in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra

"He's always spouting off" – referring to Orsino from Twelfth Night

"So anyway, Viola's had it with Olivia and is fuming with her." question on Twelfth Night

"Hamlet is a laid back mummy's boy who needs to move on."

GCSE English

"Heani referz 2 poetri as wen humn xperiens cumz 2 life" – an essay on Seamus Heaney's poem Digging

"I was well bored."

"f*** off"

Geography A-level

"There is more demand for consumer goods because more people want to buy stuff."

History A-level

"ToV" – pupil shorthand for the Treaty of Versailles

(Abridged from an article in the Daily Telegraph)

What do you think about crop circles? Are they formed by supernatural forces - or are they man-made hoaxes?

Many of them are said to appear "overnight". If that is true, it is amazing that one like the one below, at Silbury Hill, Wiltshire, could be produced in just a few hours.

The giant pattern - thought to represent a traditional Mayan head-dress - appeared next to the tallest prehistoric man-made mound in Europe last week.

Members of the crop circle community believe the mystic symbol is a signal of the end of the 5,126-year Mayan 'Long Count' calendar on December 21, 2012.

Karen Alexander, a crop circle enthusiast, said: "This is one of the most interesting crop circles I have ever seen. It is definitely a Mayan symbol and we are sure it is linked to the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012.

"It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012."

(Daily Telegraph)

I wonder whether the"momentous event" forecast for 2012 is the London Olympic Games?

Visit: http://www.circlemakers.org/totc2004.html

It is also happening in Russia:

http://www.russiatoday.com/Top_News/2009-06-23/Mysterious_circles_shock_locals_in_Russia_s_South.html?gclid=CJ3e-cb8zJsCFUoB4wodFn2SKA#

Seen when wandering around Walton-on-Thames yesterday:

What is so special about the word "pizzas" that gives it the right to have an apostrophe - and not the others?

N.B. The origin of the word "pizza" is unclear, but it first appeared in 997 in Medieval Latin, and it was in Naples in the 16th century that a galette flatbread was referred to as a pizza.

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER EASTER ISLAND 'FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH' DRUG THAT CAN EXTEND LIFE BY TEN YEARS

A miraculous 'elixir of youth' which could extend the human life span by more than a decade is being developed by scientists.

The anti-ageing pill was created from a chemical found in the soil of Easter Island - one of the most remote and mysterious places on the planet.

In tests on animals, the chemical increased life expectancy by a staggering 38 per cent.

While the breakthrough sounds like something out of science fiction, scientists say the discovery is a major leap towards longer lives for everyone.

The drug, rapamycin, is already used to suppress the immune systems of organ transplant patients.

It is also employed in heart operations and is being tested for its anti-cancer properties.

The scientists believe that the drug could be developed within a decade.

Dr Arlan Richardson, who led the research at the University of Texas, said: 'I never thought we would find an anti-ageing pill for people in my lifetime. However, rapamycin shows a great deal of promise to do just that.'

An anti-ageing pill is a Holy Grail for medical research and its development would have major repercussions for society.

In a world where people routinely live to 90 and 100, retirement ages would need to creep forward into the 70s while extended life spans would put enormous pressures on healthcare, housing and social services - as well as marriages.

The implications of a such a pill also depends on the quality of those extra years.

(Daily Mail)

Sign at my local petrol-filling station

Yes, alcohol can be sold at filling-stations in England. However, it is not generally allowed in Scotland, except on the most remote forecourts, where they can prove they are the main sources for fuel and groceries in an area.

In Lithuania a ban on selling alcohol at night came into effect on January 1 2009, after which the number of accidents linked to alcohol has dropped by 45 percent in January-May compared with the same period last year,

Lithuania is struggling to tackle high alcohol consumption, which jumped to 14.3 liters of pure alcohol per person in 2007 from 6.2 liters in 1998. It also has the highest proportion of road deaths in Europe at 223 a year per million inhabitants.

Perhaps we should introduce a similar ban.

Watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lb1IUHXoljE

Delightful!

William Pitt the Younger (1759-1806) was advised by his doctors to cure his gout by drinking a bottle of port a day.

He died from cirrhosis of the liver, aged 46.

The humble pepper has a very surprising secret - it is a wealth of Vitamin C.

But eat them raw, freshly chopped - and not cooked.

'The pepper contains three times more Vitamin C than oranges and other citrus fruit,' says Bridget Benelam of the British Nutrition Foundation. 'They are a little-known, yet rich source of this immune-boosting vitamin.'

They have other nutritional benefits, too.

Red peppers are ripened green peppers. As such, they contain more nutrients - a red pepper contains twice the Vitamin C of a green one, and ten times the Vitamin A.

One cup of raw, chopped red pepper gives 100 to 150 per cent of the recommended daily intake of Vitamin C and 80 per cent of Vitamin A.

They are also a rich source of plant chemicals lycopene, beta-carotene and zeaxanthin - pigments that give peppers their red and orange colours - and contain folic acid, potassium and iron.

So peppers can help tackle a range of diseases and conditions, including:

Arthritis: University of Manchester researchers discovered that Vitamin C - along with antioxidants beta-cryptoxanthin and beta-carotene, and found in red peppers - play a key role in protecting against arthritis. They found that patients who had developed inflammatory joint diseases had a 40 per cent lower intake of these compounds than those who had not developed such illnesses.

Cancer: As rich sources of beta-carotene and lycopene, red peppers could help stave off cancer, say researchers at the University of London. In an analysis of 21 studies, men who ate a diet rich in lycopene had an 11 to 19 per cent reduced risk of prostate cancer.

Fertility: Red peppers are a rich source of beta-carotene, which in the body is converted into Vitamin A. 'This is needed for a healthy reproductive system and for the synthesis of sex hormones,' says Dr Margaret Rayman at the University of Surrey.

Cardiovascular disease: Pigments such as beta-carotene and lycopene can cut cholesterol levels by 5.9 per cent with 'bad' cholesterol levels falling by 12.9 per cent, according to research in the British Journal Of Nutrition.

Blindness: Red and yellow pigments found in red peppers and the Vitamin C help to protect eyes from macular degeneration and cataracts - both leading causes of blindness. A study at the University of Wisconsin found that those who eat diets rich in peppers have a significantly lower risk of developing eye diseases in later life. They believe plant pigments are taken up by the eye where they protect against the damaging effects of UV radiation.

Making the most of peppers:

To benefit from their Vitamin C content, eat freshly chopped red peppers in salads or fry slowly on a low heat.

'Vitamin C is destroyed by heat and is also water-soluble so if you boil red peppers, you'll lose a lot in the water,' says Ms Benelam.

'Levels of Vitamin C drop as soon as peppers have been chopped, so only cut up just before eating.'

To get the most beta-carotene and lycopene, cook in olive oil and add oil to salad dressings.

'These pigments are oil-soluble so adding oil will help your body absorb them. The cooking process also enables the body to digest these molecules better,' adds Ms Benelam.

(From the Mail on Sunday)

Isn't it cruel to stew gnomes?
And who stuffed the sweet apostle?