A globetrotting grandmother crossed a Himalayan border checkpoint using her pensioner's bus pass.

Helen Carter, 72, from Churchstow, south Devon, set off on an arduous trek in the mountains, having left her passport behind at her hotel.

But the Devon-wide travel pass, bearing a March 31, 2008, expiry date, came to her rescue and allowed her to criss-cross between India and Nepal four times.

The pass usually gives her free travel on trips to less exotic places such as Plymouth and Totnes.

Mrs Carter said: "When I showed the pass the border guard smiled and waved me through. We had to cross the border three more times during the trek and the bus pass worked every time, although I had to fill in a form."

Mrs Carter was on an organised group trip to the region, but left her husband, Roy, also in his seventies, at home in England.

The group walked for long distances through the area every day from the group's base at a trekking lodge near Darjeeling, on the Indian side of the border. On the day of the border trip, she was not told to pack her passport and left it safe at the lodge.

The pensioner is a veteran of seven treks to Nepal, as well as Tibet, Peru, Ethiopia, Mexico and Morocco.

"Every pensioner should try it - but do not forget that bus pass," she said.

(Sunday Telegraph)

The RSPCA answers more than a million queries every year… but it seems that many callers simply have bats in the belfry.

Most of the telephone calls involve reports of cruelty or requests for help. But some have raised a few eyebrows.

The animal charity's national control centre was amused when one caller asked: "Can you come and get a fly off a web?"

Any amusement turned to bewilderment when the centre was told: "My fish has lost its balance. It's depressed."

And it must have been difficult to know what to say when a person claimed: "There is a frog in my pond that has swallowed a golf ball."

It is impossible to help anyone who says: "Can you come and get a spider out of my Dyson?"

Perhaps the caller didn't intend to phone the RSPCA when he claimed that he was dressed as a dog and his girlfriend was beating him so he wanted to log a complaint against her.

The call centre could only agree when one person rang to say: "I want to cancel the call - the pig has flown off." And good riddance they might add.

John Rolls, the RSPCA director of animal welfare and promotion, said: "The fact that so many people call the RSPCA reaffirms that we are a nation of animal lovers.

"The RSPCA would like to ask the public to make certain when calling that their concerns are valid.

"However, if they have a genuine report of cruelty or need advice they should call 0300 1234 999."

Jo Barr, an RSPCA spokesman, said some callers were genuinely deceived.

One person phoned to report an injured dog in a park.

She said: "On arrival it was found to be a broken umbrella."

(The Telegraph)

Apparently millions people spent most of their Christmas break watching TV.

Here are the Christmas Day viewing figures:

1. EastEnders part two (13.9m)

2. Dr Who (13.8m)

3. EastEnders part one (11.8m)

4= To The Manor Born (10.1m)

4= Shrek 2 (10.1m)

4= BBC News at 1800 (10.1m)

7. Strictly Come Dancing Special (9.9m)

8. Coronation Street (9.6m)

9. Finding Nemo (8.3m)

10. The Queen's Christmas Message (7.5m*)

The only one in the list that I watched was The Queen's Christmas Message - and then the TV was switched OFF.

It seems that I was not alone.

The BBC conducted a survey of what people watched and here is one of the comments:

"It's the day after Boxing Day and our TV still hasn't been turned on over the Christmas period. Once it is, it takes over everything else and people stop talking to each other.

Joanne, Leeds

Insomniacs have been warned that checking email up to an hour before bed has the same effect on sleep as drinking two espressos.

Researchers have found that checking mobile phones, BlackBerrys or laptop computers shuts down the brain's natural preparations for sleep.

"Checking your work emails before bed on any electronic device is essentially the equivalent of drinking a double espresso last thing at night," said Dr Chris Idzikowski of the Edinburgh Sleep Centre.

"Research has shown that light from a laptop or BlackBerry is concentrated enough to signal your brain to stop production of melatonin, a natural hormone known to aid sleep disturbances.

"Being in a relaxed environment and incorporating essential wind-down time into your day is your best chance of securing a great night's sleep - along with silence, darkness and comfort."

(Daily Telegraph)

Santas relax in the sea on Boxing Day after delivering the goods.

BOXING DAY is a public holiday celebrated in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand and Australia and many other members of the Commonwealth of Nations on December 26, the day after Christmas Day, or alternatively on the next weekday after Christmas.

The celebration is traditional, dating back to the middle ages, and consisted of the practice of giving of gifts to employees, the poor, or to people in a lower social class.

The name has numerous folk etymologies[3]; the Oxford English Dictionary attributes it to the Christmas box; the verb box meaning: "To give a Christmas-box (colloq.); whence boxing-day."

The more common stories include:

It was the day when people would give a present or Christmas box to those who had worked for them throughout the year.

In feudal times, Christmas was a reason for a gathering of extended families. All the serfs would gather their families in the manor of their lord, which made it easier for the lord of the estate to hand out annual stipends to the serfs. After all the Christmas parties on 26 December, the lord of the estate would give practical goods such as cloth, grains, and tools to the serfs who lived on his land. Each family would get a box full of such goods the day after Christmas. Under this explanation, there was nothing voluntary about this transaction; the lord of the manor was obliged to supply these goods. Because of the boxes being given out, the day was called Boxing Day.

In England many years ago, it was common practice for the servants to carry boxes to their employers when they arrived for their day's work on the day after Christmas. Their employers would then put coins in the boxes as special end-of-year gifts. This can be compared with the modern day concept of Christmas bonuses. The servants carried boxes for the coins, hence the name Boxing Day.

In churches, it was traditional to open the church's donation box on Christmas Day, and the money in the donation box was to be distributed to the poorer or lower class citizens on the next day. In this case, the "box" in "Boxing Day" comes from that lockbox in which the donations were left.

Boxing Day was the day when the wren, the king of birds,[4] was captured and put in a box and introduced to each household in the village when he would be asked for a successful year and a good harvest.

Because the staff had to work on such an important day as Christmas by serving the master of the house and their family, they were given the following day off. As servants were kept away from their own families to work on a traditional religious holiday and were not able to celebrate Christmas Dinner, the customary benefit was to "box" up the leftover food from Christmas Day and send it away with the servants and their families. (Similarly, as the servants had the 26th off, the owners of the manor may have had to serve themselves pre-prepared, boxed food for that one day.) Hence the "boxing" of food became "Boxing Day".

Similar to above, leftovers and food were boxed up and shipped overseas in times of war to the soldiers of the Commonwealth Nations.

(From Wikipedia)

FBI TO COLLECT BIOMETRIC INFORMATION ON BRITONS

British visitors to the US will have details of their physical characteristics added to a new billion dollar database under plans drawn up by the FBI.

Fingerprints, iris scans and even details of the way people walk, their scars and the size and shape of their ear lobes will be collected.

British intelligence agencies and police will also be able to access the information – giving them potentially more biometric data on British citizens than the Government collects at home.

Under the plans, revealed by the Washington Post, the FBI database will include details on everyone who applies for a visa to enter the US.

Fingerprint information on British tourists is already collected and held by the US Department of Homeland Security.

But the FBI database will also include iris identification, which is being slowly introduced at some ports of entry.

Researchers at West Virginia University are working on technology for the FBI that will let them capture images of people's irises at distances of up to 15 feet, and of faces from as far away as 200 yards, without them even knowing.

The database will allow the FBI to check all entrants to the US against the faces, fingerprints, palm prints and irises of known terrorists and wanted criminals.

More than 900,000 American police and law enforcement officials will be able to access the data.

A contract to develop the database will be awarded next month. Critics say that peoples’ bodies will effectively become their international identity card – with the downside that if criminals steal your identity and were able to, for example, mimic your iris with a contact lens, you can’t just go and get a new eyeball like you would a new credit card.

Civil liberties campaigners criticised the plans. Barry Steinhardt of the American Civil Liberties Union said: "It's enabling the always-on surveillance society."

(The Daily Telegraph)

I still haven't put up any Christmas decorations, either inside or outside my house.

Several people have called me an old Scrooge, but I am following a family tradition where the tree was not put up until Christmas Eve. In those days it had real candles and not these new-fangled electric ones.

I know young children enjoy all the lights and sparkle, but there are none in my household - at the moment (lights or children).

Anyway, Christmas goes on far too long. Instead of the couple of days of my youth it has now been extended to 'Christmas Fortnight', which is only an excuse to spend more money than we can afford.

As for multi-coloured Christmas lights outside the house - some are tasteful, but others downright vulgar.

I don't mind illuminated displays in shopping malls and public streets, but overdone on private houses - NO.

Here is an example of what I mean:

Very much OTT.

However, I realise I am in a minority and these displays give a great deal of pleasure to many people, some raising considerable amounts of cash for charities.

P.S. I have just found a website devoted to "houseblingers and admirers of their work".

STOP PRESS

The Queen has launched her own channel on the video-sharing website YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/theroyalchannel

When I was a kid the benefits of drinking Guinness were displayed on billboards all over the country.

Now the wheel has gone full circle and the merits of Guinness are again being proclaimed.

GUINNESS IS GOOD FOR YOU

The old advertising slogan "Guinness is Good for You" may be true after all, according to researchers.

A pint of the black stuff a day may work as well as an aspirin to prevent heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks.

Drinking lager does not yield the same benefits, experts from University of Wisconsin told a conference in the US.

Guinness were told to stop using the slogan decades ago - and the firm still makes no health claims for the drink.

The Wisconsin team tested the health-giving properties of stout against lager by giving it to dogs who had narrowed arteries similar to those in heart disease.
They found that those given the Guinness had reduced clotting activity in their blood, but not those given lager.

Clotting is important for patients who are at risk of a heart attack because they have hardened arteries.

A heart attack is triggered when a clot lodges in one of these arteries supplying the heart.

Many patients are prescribed low-dose aspirin as this cuts the ability of the blood to form these dangerous clots.

The researchers told a meeting of the American Heart Association in Orlando, Florida, that the most benefit they saw was from 24 fluid ounces of Guinness - just over a pint - taken at mealtimes.

They believe that "antioxidant compounds" in the Guinness, similar to those found in certain fruits and vegetables, are responsible for the health benefits because they slow down the deposit of harmful cholesterol on the artery walls.

However, Diageo, the company that now manufactures Guinness, said: "We never make any medical claims for our drinks."

The original campaign in the 1920s stemmed from market research - when people told the company that they felt good after their pint, the slogan was born.

In England, post-operative patients used to be given Guinness, as were blood donors, because of its high iron content.

Pregnant women and nursing mothers were at one stage advised to drink Guinness - the present advice is against this.

The UK is still the largest market in the world for Guinness, although the drink does not feature in the UK's top ten beer brands according to the latest research.

(BBC)

ARCHBISHOP SAYS NATIVITY 'A LEGEND'

The Archbishop of Canterbury said this week that the Christmas story of the Three Wise Men was nothing but a 'legend'.

Dr Rowan Williams has claimed there was little evidence that the Magi even existed and there was certainly nothing to prove there were three of them or that they were kings.

He said the only reference to the wise men from the East was in Matthew's gospel and the details were very vague.

Dr Williams said: "Matthew's gospel says they are astrologers, wise men, priests from somewhere outside the Roman Empire, that's all we're really told. It works quite well as legend."

The Archbishop went on to dispel other details of the Christmas story, adding that there were probably no asses or oxen in the stable.

He argued that Christmas cards which showed the Virgin Mary cradling the baby Jesus, flanked by shepherds and wise men, were misleading. As for the scenes that depicted snow falling in Bethlehem, the Archbishop said the chance of this was "very unlikely".

In a final blow to the traditional nativity story, Dr Williams concluded that Jesus was probably not born in December at all. He said: "Christmas was when it was because it fitted well with the winter festival."

(From a BBC article)

Is Dr Williams wrong to deny the story of the Nativity? Or does it make the Bible more acceptable to acknowledge that parts of it are just fable?

YOUNG'S SCAMPI MAKES A ROUND TRIP OF 17,000 MILES (27,353km)

It sounds mad: shipping UK-caught langoustine thousands of miles to be processed, then back again to be turned into breaded scampi and put on sale.

That's what leading seafood producer Young's started doing last year, triggering a storm of protest from environmental campaigners.

They called the huge journey another example of food mile madness.

But now the company says research shows it is no worse for the environment than the old way, processing in Scotland.

The journey for the scampi that ends up on dinner plates and in pub baskets across the country starts in traditional style - the catch being landed by inshore fishing boats in ports like Stornoway.

From there it is taken by lorry to the Scottish border town of Annan, which is where things start to change.

In the past the scampi was shelled by machine in Scotland. Now it is taken first to Grangemouth and loaded into containers, which are in effect giant freezers.

They are shipped to Rotterdam before being loaded onto a huge container ship alongside around 7,000 other containers for the long haul to Bangkok.

The key part of the process takes place in Thailand, as the langoustine are peeled by hand - the way consumer research says we like our scampi.

The long journey home from Bangkok takes the frozen, peeled langoustine through Rotterdam again before a short hop across the North Sea to Grimsby, where the scampi is breaded - and then delivered to our supermarkets and our plates.

The whole round-trip is about 17,000 miles (27,353km).

So how can this make sense?

The company submitted research to the independent Carbon Trust. The conclusion was that shipping scampi to and from Thailand is no more environmentally damaging than peeling it by machine in this country.

Mike Parker, deputy CEO of Young's, says the science is on their side.

"What they found was that there was no difference between the two and the reason for that is simply that by moving from machine processing here in the UK to hand processing in Thailand saves a lot of energy and obviously a lot of the C02 emissions associated with that.

"But at the same time the C02 emissions associated with shipping to Thailand and back are actually very, very low."

But still some environmentalists say the fact that this food has been to Thailand and back before arriving in our shops is a classic example of food madness.

"This doesn't make any sort of sense at all," says Willie Mackenzie of Greenpeace.

"Sending shrimp half way round the world to send it back again is just nonsense.

"They cover this up and distract it by saying it's carbon neutral, but in truth this is about minimising costs and maximising profits."

(BBC)

A health-conscious Santa Claus is refusing to wear a pillow under his suit because he fears it may promote child obesity.

Bill Winton, a slim 80-year-old, said if children viewed chubby Father Christmas as a role model they could grow up thinking that it was alright to be overweight.

He decided to remove his extra padding after noticing the young children sitting on his knee had become heavier over the years.

Father Christmas in his more traditional portly guise

Mr Winton, who weighs in at just 12st, is currently dispensing gifts and festive greetings at the Westside Plaza shopping centre in Edinburgh.

He said he was proud of the fact that he had a healthy diet and did not consume sugary drinks.

He added: "It makes me wonder why parents allow their children to get into that state and makes me slightly annoyed about it.

"The parents and kids have been asking why I'm so thin and I say 'Santa's been on a diet' and everyone is in agreement that it is a good idea.

"I have always eaten healthily and have run a healthy-eating course in the past. I gave up cola years ago when I saw what it did to a penny.

"I hope other Santas across the country follow suit so that parents start taking responsibility for their children's diets."

Alex Limond, for the shopping centre, said he backed Santa's seasonal fight against childhood obesity. He added: "It is time for a change and as Santa is a role model for children, then his body shape is where it should start."

(Daily Telegraph)

FLAULENCE LEADS US JET TO DIVERT

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported the smell of sulphur from burning matches.

The matches were found on the seat of a woman who had attempted to conceal the odour of flatulence with the matches, Nashville airport authorities said.

All 99 passengers and five crew left the plane while it was searched.

The woman was questioned by the FBI but released without charge and allowed to board another American Airlines flight.

"It was determined that she was trying to conceal body odour," said Lynne Lowrance of the Nashville Airport Authority.

She had "no malicious intent but had struck matches which is against [Transport Security Administration] rules," Ms Lowrance said.

The unidentified woman had an unspecified medical condition, Associated Press news agency said.

She was carrying safety matches, which the TSA allows in carry-on luggage.

The matches are not allowed to be struck, however.

(BBC)

TO SLEEP - PERCHANCE TO DREAM

Sleep disturbances are by far the most common mental health disorder in the UK, with insomnia believed to affect around 10 to 12 per cent of the adult population.

"The problem is the same for men, women, all classes and all ethnic groups," says Professor Colin Espie, author of 'Overcoming Insomnia and Sleep Problems' and director of the University of Glasgow Sleep Research Laboratory.

"The only demographic to be significantly more affected is the over 65s, where between 15 and 20 per cent are affected."

Prof Espie is not talking about those of us who have the odd bad night fretting about the lewd jokes we cracked to the boss's wife after three piña coladas at the Christmas party. A chronic insomniac is someone who spends at least 30 minutes trying to get to sleep or is awake for at least 30 minutes during the night, at least three times a week for three months. The effect can be devastating.

Research has repeatedly shown that sleep recharges the brain, repairing important neuronal connections and helping it organise data. Sleep also gives the cardiovascular system a break and helps damaged cells mend themselves.

Studies have linked disturbed sleep patterns to heart disease and diabetes, and found that a twentysomething deprived of sleep for 36 hours will have the mental capacity of a 60-year-old. The RAC says that sleepy drivers were to blame for 20,000 crashes last year.

Many blame this epidemic on contemporary culture, with its 24-hour cycle of bleeping BlackBerries and blaring televisions.

The British Medical Journal concluded: "The hurry and excitement of modern life is held to be responsible for much of the insomnia of which we hear … The pity of it is that so many people are obliged to lead a life of anxiety and high tension."

TOP TIPS TO AVOID INSOMNIA

Set yourself times for going to bed and getting up, and stick to them. This will 'train' your body to sleep at night.

Don't worry in bed. Before bedtime, write a list of the things on your mind and how you plan to deal with them. Then forget about them.

Create a 'going to bed' routine; dim the lights, take a bath, have a warm drink. After a while these activities will become associated with sleep and just doing them will make you feel sleepy.

Keep the bedroom just for sleep or sex: no television, telephone, late-night snacking and definitely no work. Leave the laptop elsewhere.

Avoid tea, coffee, chocolate and anything containing caffeine before bedtime, as well as alcohol and smoking: all these are stimulants.

Don't nap during the day.

Wear earplugs if noise wakes you easily.

Make sure your bed and pillow are really comfortable, and that you have the right bedclothes for the season: if you are too hot or too cold, you won't relax properly.

STOP ADMIRING YOUNG MEN IN FERRARIS

The Government's chief scientist, Professor Sir David King, has said that women must stop admiring men who drive sports cars if they want to join the fight against global warming.

He said governments could only do so much to control greenhouse gas emissions and it was time for a cultural change among the British public.

And he singled out women who find supercar drivers "sexy", adding that they should divert their affections to men who live more environmentally-friendly lives.

His comments were greeted with anger by sports car drivers who insisted that their vehicles' greenhouse gas emissions were tiny compared with those from four-wheel-drive vehicles.

Sir David, who is due to retire as the UK's Chief Scientific Adviser at the end of the year, said individuals needed to change their behaviour.

"I was asked at a lecture by a young woman about what she could do and I told her to stop admiring young men in Ferraris," he said.

"What I was saying is that you have got to admire people who are conserving energy and not those wilfully using it."

Car enthusiasts criticised Sir David for attempting to lay the blame for climate change on a small number of drivers who own sports cars.

Peter Everingham, secretary the Ferrari Owners Club, said: "Nearly 90 per cent of people who buy Ferraris are married so they are not looking to impress women by buying their car.

"There are fewer than 5,600 cars made a year by Ferrari. To suggest Ferraris are a factor in climate change is unhelpful."

(From a Daily Telegraph article)

Gordon Brown finally signs
EU treaty

(Matt)

I grew up in the days before television and my family, like the one above, used to gather in front of the "wireless" to listen to "Children's Hour".

I well remember "Toytown' with Larry the Lamb (played by Uncle Mac) Mr. Growser and Mr. Mayor.

Later it WAS presented on TV but, in my childhood I could only listen to it.

There was something special about the 'wireless' version though, as we children had to use our imagination

A few years passed and then I was enthralled by something described in the musical introduction to each episode as: "It isn't a play - It isn't revue . . ."

It was "The Swish of the Curtain" - a period drama serial, pre world war II, in which a group of children set up their own theatre company.

It really encouraged me to 'perform' - although I have never been an actor - just someone who loves the spoken word.

In 2006 it was republished in book form by Longfellow Press (£9.99 from Amazon):

"When seven bored children discover an abandoned chapel in their home town, they decide to renovate it and to form the Blue Door Theatre Company. The talented and resourceful group soon discover that they are serious about their theatrical ambitions, but will their parents stand in their way?

This classic children’s novel remains a timeless inspiration to any young reader with a passion for the performing arts."

Buy it as a Christmas gift for a budding young actor in your family - or for yourself!

There are 17 enthusiastic reviews on the Amazon website.

Here are a couple of them:

My favourite children's book of all time.

I first read this book nerarly twenty years ago when I was 9 years old. It was given to me by my mother who had herself read it at about the same age. I was completely entranced and read the entire book in one day - staying up until midnight to finish it by reading it under my bedclothes with a torch. I have been looking for the sequels ever since but without success. However, I have managed to read some of her other books ( also given to me by my mother) including The Television Twins, The Windmill Family and To Be a Ballerina all of which I would highly recommend. I still have my original copy of TSOTC printed circa 1955 and will pass it down to my son (aged 1) when he is old enough. I hope he enjoys it as much as I and my mother did.

The Swish of the Curtain

In 1972, at the age of 12, I was given this book to read as part of my English curriculum and loved it. I attend a creative writing class, our recent subject being, 'Your favourite or most memorable book'. The Swish of the Curtain came to mind. I couldn't remember the author - after all it was 35 years ago - so on returning home I came on to Amazon and to my delight found it still available. I ordered it and and found it even more exciting than before. I especially liked reading the bit about the author. I was so surprised that she was so young when she wrote it. I am now going to pass on my copy to my great niece, an avid reader who I'm sure will love it. Truly a book that has stood the test of time. A highly recommended read for all ages.

There was nobody to wonder what the matter could be when David Leggat got stuck in the lavatory - for four days.

MAN TRAPPED IN TOILET FOR FOUR DAYS

A 55-year-old bachelor was trapped in the freezing cold "gents" at his bowling club with nothing but tap water to survive on after a door jammed behind him.

David Leggat made use of survival techniques to keep warm when he became trapped in the lavatory

He spent most of the time in the dark, managed no more than three hours' sleep a night, and was so cold that he had to put his feet in a hand basin of hot water in an attempt to stay warm.

Shouting was futile as the lavatory is at the back of the outdoor bowling club, which is rarely visited in winter. He had no food, no mobile telephone and there were no windows that would allow him to break out.

Two days into Mr Leggat's ordeal, Bob Ewing, the club secretary, visited but did not discover his friend.

Mr Leggat, a retired teacher and the club's wine convenor, was finally rescued when a cleaner arrived and heard his cries for help.

The drama began when he went to the lavatory at the Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club in Aberdeen last Monday afternoon.

He became trapped when the outside handle of the door fell off, and the inside handle jammed. The bowler said he quickly realised that he was in for a long wait.

He said: "I had nothing with me to eat so I sipped cold tap water to keep me going. I did a survival course once and knew I had to keep my feet warm, so I kept running a basin of hot water and putting my feet in to send the heat through my body.

"I was absolutely frozen. All I had on was my jacket and my trousers."

When Mr Leggat was finally discovered, Mr Ewing had to use a screwdriver to break in.

He said: "Nobody had been looking for David. A wife may have wondered where he was but he is not married."

(Daily Telegraph)

David Leggat

It started in November. I looked out of my window one evening and saw a house opposite decorated for Christmas with lights to rival Blackpool Illuminations.

Now, I don't know what you think about these sort of displays, but the writer of the article below has definite views.

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Homes festooned with Christmas lights and festive figurines are increasing in both number and extravagance. Christopher Howse laments a glowing trend:

Christmas, for many, means hugging yourself in satisfaction that your decorations are not tacky like your neighbours'. For 'tacky' you may prefer kitsch, naff, bad taste, ugly, brash, horrible, flash, yuck, rubbish, or simply bling. Some of those epithets themselves might get you into trouble, for it is rude to call other people vulgar.

Why does Christmas bring out kitschness of such intensity and on so grand a scale? In West Drive, Sonning, Berkshire, police have to guard the 20,000-bulb Christmas extravaganza annually illuminated by Vic Moszczynski around his house, which features everything from the Three Wise Men to Homer Simpson. The whole street is against him, he says, and he has received threats. He tries to be thoughtful by turning the lights off at 10pm, but one resident claims that 1,000 cars a day have come to see the house at the seasonal peak - that is an awful lot of slammed doors.

The key to Christmas kitsch is that everyone feels obliged to do something festive, and there is no living tradition to constrain them. Fortunately, we do not see most of the horror, which is concealed within many a twinkling front room. Usually the only hint is from the windowsill, where miniature plastic trees blink through the night or electric Hanukkah candelabras glow, even among those who do not realise their religious significance. But only the Moszczynski-style Christmas decorations really turn our heads.

What kind of people cover their houses with this sort of tat? Does it imply a chauvinist cultural posture, as the Cross of St George did before it was largely redeemed by the Rugby World Cup? And how much (electric) light does it shed on the true Christian myths behind the plastic mistletoe and inflatable snowmen?

There is an element of collecting mania in over-the-top electric Christmas displays, similar to the kind that drives people to fill their houses with 3,000 teddy bears. It combines with a show-off tendency, otherwise expressed in ballroom-dancing, barbecues on acres of decking or, in its most concentrated form, the growing of monster leeks.

A careful comparative examination of Christmas-light displays reveals the development of an idea almost completely devoid of anything that expresses the religious content of the season. Pity the poor Muslim newcomer who tries to work out the content of Christian belief from the glowing totems outside their neighbour's house.

Here are the most common elements: Father Christmas; reindeer; snowmen; Christmas trees; sleighs; wrapped parcels; stockings; candles; stars; bells; puddings; Disney characters; baubles; holly; giant snowflakes; choristers; and Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Apart from these last three, the only item mentioned in the biblical account is a star.

The lit-up house is the visual equivalent of amplified Christmas music in shopping centres; ungodly seasonal songs that are in no sense carols. Which, I wonder, is the worst - Frosty the Snowman or Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree? Yet the Christmas house-illuminators do not wish to emulate local councils that, like Birmingham in the 1990s, chose to embrace Bonfire Night, Diwali and Christmas in the pluralistic term Winterval. In semi-detached houses along arterial roads beneath the bright bulbs, they do not speak of Christmas as 'the holidays' as Americans do.

'Do we want a country, which increasingly celebrates a secular Christmas, the one with the religious bits left out, and the consumerism left in?' asks Shaban Khan of the Muslim Council of Britain in a manner friendly to Christian traditionalists. This question does not occur to electric house-deckers.

The essence of their activity is guilelessness. Without it, unconscious kitsch is impossible, for shame creeps in. Heaven forbid that my friends should mistake my own carefully chosen kitsch objects for seriously regarded bibelots. Just as one hangs certificates in the lavatory to show them off while marking them as parodically displayed, so kitsch objects have to be placed off-centre. So the Princess of Wales plate is not put on the mantelpiece but used to hand round the fairy cakes.

It is not so easy to use kitsch Christmas goods even ironically, especially just at the moment when simplicity equals good taste. Reticent sprigs of holly and evergreens are acceptable, which is bad news for children if they enjoy the pre-Christmas fun of pasting together paper chains of many colours. Trees must be real. Lights may be white and must not flash. No fairy; a straw star will serve. Crackers must contain nothing plastic. No snowballs or Baileys to drink, please, nor fizzy cava in place of champagne. Cakes must be homemade, although puddings from shops are permissible. Turkey is borderline. No glitter, no tinsel, no fake snow, no images of Father Christmas.

Like the Proles in Nineteen Eighty-Four, the only ones allowed to have a raucous good time, it seems, are those whose aesthetic conscience is untroubled by festooning the outside of their houses with flashing reindeer.

(Daily Telegraph)

THIS ENGLAND

In the 1990s, Typhoo Tea ran a television advertisement designed to play patriotically upon the intrinsic "Britishness" of their brand of beverage.

To accompany soaring aerial shots of the British coastline, green fields and breathtaking scenery, a sonorous, Rada-trained actor recited old John of Gaunt's emotive speech in praise of his country, threatened by factional strife, from the beginning of Act 2 of Shakespeare's Richard II:

The next word should, of course, be "England". But this was not apparently an option for the advertising agency that thought up the advertisement, nor indeed for Typhoo Tea. Instead the quotation ended: "This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Britain."

I wish they wouldn't mess around with Shakespeare - but I suppose anyurthing goes in advertising.

Paddington Bear is to face his most terrifying adventure yet; a police interrogation over his immigration status.

Paddington (right) and his creator Michael Bond

A new Paddington novel, released to mark the 50th anniversary of his debut, is to be published next June.

Famously, the young bear was a stowaway on a ship from Peru; and, lacking the appropriate identity papers, he is arrested and interviewed by the police about his right to stay in England.

Michael Bond's Paddington books have sold more than 30 million copies in 30 languages since the marmalade-loving ursine first appeared in 'A Bear Called Paddington', half a century ago. However, this will be the first new novel since Paddington Takes The Test in 1979.

It is understood that Mr Bond, now 83, was reluctant to write a new novel without first settling on a storyline that updated the Paddington oeuvre into a strong contemporary setting.

'Paddington Here And Now' will again be set in London's Notting Hill and Portobello Road, where he will mix with another immigrant survivor of the earlier stories, the Hungarian antiques dealer Mr Gruber.

Mr Bond, who has continued to write short Paddington stories in the 29-year hiatus between novels, said: "One of the very nice things about chronicling Paddington's adventures is that although the world has changed considerably over the past 30 years, he remains exactly the same; eternally optimistic and ever open to what life has to offer. It makes writing the stories a pleasure."

(telegraph.co.uk)

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